Member-only story
My honest CV
If my CV said what it literally meant
To whom it may concern,
I’m only applying for this job in the hopes that you turn me down because I just want to tell people that I have been looking for ‘gainful employment. i suppose I wouldn’t mind paying my bills and eating food either, so it pretty much is a massive toss up. I’m in a bit of tight spot but I’m not going to pretend that it is my dream to work for your company.
I would much rather gouge my own eyes out than work for you, but, if you decide I have ‘what it takes’ I can promise you that I will work moderately hard for the first few months until I inevitably get bored and leave. I won’t thank you for minimum wage and obviously resent being micromanaged to the point that you won’t want to talk to me anymore.
I have terrible communication skills due to actually being a nervous introvert who unfortunately gets pegged as an extrovert all the time. I am incapable of small talk. Don’t worry though, I won’t try to have sex with anyone in the office either, or if I do you’ll never find out.
I think my greatest accomplishment is actually preventing others around me from being productive. You want to have races on the wheeled chairs or see who can put the most pegs on their face — I am your woman.
