Are We Dating the Same Guy?

Caroline Egan
5 min readJun 2, 2023

The debate rages on

Photo by Grégoire Bertaud on Unsplash

The ‘Are We Dating the Same Guy?’ seems to have become a recent phenomenon, where women have formed groups online to warn each other about abusive men or look for information on potential dates that seem to be already spewing red flags. These groups, primarily Facebook, have popped up everywhere, even in Ireland (where I am).

Online dating has definitely shaped the way that both men and women date, and let’s be honest, in many ways, it can be a more convenient way to get a date. The thing is, we don’t know these people from Adam; whether they have a current unknowing partner or a bad history. Women have been told repeatedly to be careful, so this is what these groups aim to do.

If you’re not completely aware of these groups, the aim is to post a screenshot of a man, a past relationship or a potential date. Posters are only allowed to share a first name but no specific identifiers. They either warn other group members with information relating to the man who they may have dated or know people who did (which can be confirmed or denied by others in the comments) or ask for some ‘tea’ about him. People chime in with whether they know him or not and whether he is lovely, looking for different things or whether he is in a relationship, abusive or does weird things on dates.

The rules mentioned above are strictly adhered to in the group I’m in anyway.

However, a few women (there are always a few) have screenshotted posts and sent them back to the man in question if they recognise him — even if nothing bad has been said. This is completely against the rules and a useless cry from a ‘pick me’ girl. Why women would share specific information about men outside the group and potentially put women in dangerous situations is beyond me. Why would women favour men over women trying to protect themselves?

The debate I’ve seen in a few articles here is that men do not have a chance to defend themselves and that a ‘scorned’ woman can destroy an entire man’s reputation.

Honestly, this group is for protecting women because, as we all know, most of the time, dangerous and abusive behaviour is a pervasive pattern. This means that a lot of the time, a shitty man will continue to be a shitty man doing the same shitty things.

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Caroline Egan

Nerdy, freelance writer, feminist, horror/sci-fi enthusiast, mother, big child. Support me and become a member here: https://eganc3.medium.com/membership